My children are in their twenties now, but I still remember my return to work after they were born. On one hand, the idea of spending all day with adults, who I could have a conversation with was hugely appealing, as was the luxury of being able to go the bathroom on my own. On the other hand, the idea of leaving my children to be looked after by somebody else was inconceivable.
And I suspect that this replicates the experience of many women (and men, although I do think it is different) re-entering the work place after maternity leave. There are many reasons why you might be going back; you may have really enjoyed your work, perhaps you were forging your way up a career ladder, or maybe you want to go back for the reasons I mentioned above. Often of course, financial imperative means the decision is out of our hands. Whatever the reason, returning to work after a baby is very different to going back after a holiday, or even a longer time off such as a sabbatical.
You are essentially now doing two jobs, at least one of which is a 24 hour a day commitment with no time off or sick leave. Oh, and with less sleep.
The playing field is therefore not as level as it was and there is no reason to expect that you will feel the same way about work as you did pre-baby. It may be less important to you now, alternatively you might find it a very welcome relief and distraction from Peppa Pig and finger painting. How ever you feel is entirely reasonable, but be prepared to be surprised about this and take time to settle into the new reality.
There will be days when getting yourself, child or children washed, dressed, maybe even fed, and out of the door, before rushing off to childcare and then back home to log on, or worse to the office, will feel like a herculean task. And frankly it is, so allow yourself to recognise this and be sanguine about what is possible, which will help reduce the stress caused by trying to meet unrealistic expectations. You’re fully dressed with matching shoes? Seriously, you’re acing it.
This is probably a good point to think about to the extent to which you have planned your return. For example, are there helpful and reasonable adjustments you might ask for? Given the logistics of actually being ready for work, maybe logging on half an hour later, means that you start your working day less stressed and more able to focus on the task in hand. If so, explain this and ask for the extra 30 minutes - whilst your boss might not be able to agree, nothing is lost by asking.
The same is true of how you and your partner might navigate this new world of working and parenting, particularly in the event of unforeseen circumstances. Who works more at home, who is nearest to childcare, whose diary is more flexible, you’ve probably thought of all of these things and formulated a plan for pick up and drop offs. But make time to check diaries each week so that if, or rather when, something renders day care impossible, you have an idea of each other’s capacity to pick up the slack, rather than having to fight it out in crisis mode.
It would be remiss of me if I didn’t state the obvious, namely that you are not physically the woman you were. You have gown an entire human being, which is pretty amazing and takes its toll.
There is evidence that women continue to experience pregnancy related physical health issues for up to a year after the birth of a child. The most common are urinary problems, back and pelvic pain but there can be a host of others as you recover. Added to this is the fact that any childcare facility is essentially a lending library of bugs and infections. This is great for building your child’s immune system, but is unfortunately likely to take a toll on yours. Expect to be ill, and more importantly take the time off when you are, to recover.
Whilst you may not be experiencing your body in the same way, the reality is that it probably looks a bit different as well. That’s as it should be in all honestly and it is unhelpful to compare yourself to pre-baby you (and definitely not to any social media mums, that might pop up on your feeds).
Aside from the impact of pregnancy, the birth of your baby will have been one of the most intense experiences of your life, hopefully (but sadly not always) in a good way.
Our expectations when we are pregnant are often that after some choices around pain relief and setting, we will have a vaginal birth, broadly as we expect. For some of us, medical issues or preference means we know we will be having a planned Caesarean Section. Thus we approach our due date with an expectation of how the delivery will go, and it is distressing when this turns out not to be the reality.
In 2022/3 only 49% of births were problem free vaginal deliveries, with a further 17% being planned C sections. This means that 34% of births did not go to plan, 22% of which were emergency Caesarians. It can be terrifying to not have the birth you planned, particularly if you have laboured long and hard. You can go from being the active participant to a person having all manner of things done to you, often with little explanation.
Just a word here about C sections. Somehow they have the reputation of being the easier option, but are in fact, major abdominal surgery. In any other circumstances you would be sent home with instructions to rest up and take it easy. (If you are reading this because you have had a child this way, you’re probably laughing hollowly at the very idea that this is possible). In short, the process of actually having a baby, is rarely as we expect it to be, and it is a very normal to feel bruised both mentally and physically by the experience.
At the far end of unforeseen circumstances are women who end up having very traumatic births. Often they are not given the space to acknowledge this, you and baby survived so what’s the problem? You leave hospital and are straight into nappies, feeds and sleepless nights, with no time to think about your wellbeing, and possibly a partner with vicarious trauma as a result of having to stand by helplessly during the delivery. Sometimes being back at work might actually give you the space for feelings to make themselves more present. If you find yourself returning to memories of the birth, or alternatively struggling to think about it without becoming upset, or if you are having nightmares, please seek help and space to talk this through. The same is true of Post Natal Depression. Being back at work might feel a relief in some ways from the hopeless tedium of caring for a baby you are struggling to bond with. If you are one of the 15% of new mothers experiencing this, then again it is something you can and need to get support for. It really can help.
It takes nine months to grow a baby, after which you are left with someone you will love and worry about for the rest of your life. Life really will not ever be the same again, in the most delightful way, and there is no reason to think that the world of work will either.
Johanna Sartori is part of the People at Work network of therapists. She has a BA (Hons) in Integrative Relational Counselling, and is an accredited member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). You can read more of her blogs on https://johannasartori.substack.com
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